Open Wounds, Guilty Chicken and Eternal Twilight

My Place in Dante's Inferno

2005-04-09T13:23:00.000+08:00

The Dante's Inferno Test has banished you to the Fourth Level of Hell!
Here is how you matched up against all the levels:

Level	Score
Purgatory (Repenting Believers)	Very Low
Level 1 - Limbo (Virtuous Non-Believers)	Very Low
Level 2 (Lustful)	Very High
Level 3 (Gluttonous)	High
Level 4 (Prodigal and Avaricious)	Very High
Level 5 (Wrathful and Gloomy)	Very High
Level 6 - The City of Dis (Heretics)	Moderate
Level 7 (Violent)	High
Level 8- the Malebolge (Fraudulent, Malicious, Panderers)	High
Level 9 - Cocytus (Treacherous)	Moderate

Take the Dante Inferno Hell Test

Which Trainspotting Character Are You?

2005-03-28T14:49:00.000+08:00

Which Trainspotting Character Are You?

I think I have heard this one from Led Zeppelin as well

2005-03-17T12:04:00.000+08:00

U2 - BONO LEGENDS WOULDNT STAND A CHANCE TODAY

Brushes Against Intellectual Property and What Not

2005-03-08T14:18:00.000+08:00

Can anyone tell me what consists plagiarism? Somebody told me that as long as your work consists of less than 40% of copied material then it is considered original and your are not liable to be sued. Less than 40% it is.
Some people can get so fucking paranoid, they forget their own delicadeza just to cover their own ass. Well, that is the Growned Up World for you. Everybody is looking after his own ass. That is why I am forever grateful for moments when people show a tad bit of concern for another soul. They make life a little bit bearable.

The Age of Living Dangerously (a.k.a. Life Without a Clue)

2005-01-27T15:38:00.000+08:00

I recently told someone over lunch that I don't think there's such a person who does something he doesn't think is right. Somehow, we find justification to the shit that we find ourselves doing.
A lot of people blame their predicament on others, friends, family whatever e.g. " What can I do? It's in my blood!" or "All my friends were doing it." Some blame their actions on mind-altering substances. Some people blame things on the weather. In the old days, it was easy to blame things on the devil, while these days the government takes the rap. (Or the secret government if you are a conspiracy theorist.) Truth be told, the universe is filled of things to blame. But for me, there is no one else but ourselves to blame *battling eyelashes*... NOT! Earlier, I have tried to blame my bad luck on the stars. Today, since I'm in deeper shit than before, I have to be more creative.
1.) Semi-temporary insanity -- I say "semi" because my lack of judgement lasted more than a few minutes. In fact, it seems to have lasted for two months or so. This could work. In fact, it might be too effective that I might end up jobless, friendless and doomed for the rest of my freaking existence.
2.) The spirit world -- I could claim that the ghost of a long dead distant relative have come to visit me one time with an alarming message. In fact, from time to time, he or she takes possesion of my body rendering it useless till the being leaves. A long shot but could prove to be a step to fame if one dreams of becoming a guinea pig to parapsychologists and your friendly neighbourhood spiritista.
3.) GOD -- Not very original. We have been blaiming the supreme being since the dawn of man. Or should I say, man has found something to blame since he created God. But, I could say, this is classic and can end you up as that bitter token character of every sad novel or soap opera. Advice to the newbie-- don't be shy! Say it out loud. Give more drama: "GOD, WHY???!!!"
As I just said, the universe is filled with things that we can use for blame. So for those who are complaining why I could only come up with three, MAKE YOUR OWN FUCKING LIST! Thank you.

Dangling Outside the Window of the Daily Grind

2005-01-25T11:37:00.000+08:00

A friend of mine made a spanking "about me" write up. I must say I am quite impressed. I have not looked within me for quite some time and now as I try, I simply can't find anything. Not that this hasn't happened to me before, believe me, it is quite a recurring problem. I quite often complain to whoever guy I'm with that I've lost myself and I'd have to look elsewhere to find me. Call it committment-phobia if you will but I sincerely believe that there is just something clinical about me. No matter how I try, I always find myself lethargic in the morning. Except for last night, I, battling an evil cold, placed myself within the center of the Great Mother, floating in ambiotic fluid, inside the belly of the Great Mother. This morning I just woke up and I was fine.

Metaphors

2005-01-19T13:31:00.000+08:00

I am constantly boggled by the unreality of life. As I see it, the world is an ensemble of seemingly senseless symbolisms that should make some meaning combined. A friend once told me that the waking world is an illusion and in dreams do we get glimpses of the real world. Suffice to say, my life is one fucked up metaphor of something I can't really figure out.
I recently told my dream to this person who is a freaking Freudian fanatic. I am really not into Freud what with all the obsession with the id, ego and what not. I am more Jungian myself, I believe in connections between the self and the Self, the interconnections of people and lives, and even things. In other words, the said conversation, proved to be unsatisfactory. I was clearly looking for meanings of symbolisms and all she told me is that there was none.
If I were to speak to Mr. Freud today, I am most likely to get a six hour lecture. It would probably seem to him that I am doing myself a huge disservice by getting stuck in a long distance relationship. Constantly, I find myself dumbfounded at what I end myself into. For sure, this is not the self I knew myself to be yet here I am, so here it is. The definition of love and relationships are so dynamic and mobile that I find myself having difficulties catching up. Or perhaps I should stop trying to find it. I once saw an interview on tv. There was this celebrity telling the camera that she wants to know the one, ultimate truth, and I told her, there is no "One Ultimate Truth." Now here I am, holding on to an arcane definition of love, when inside me I know that there can not be one. There is no worse pain than the pain of trying to fit into ill-shaped garments, and I am a rock pretending to be Jello.
If there is not "One Ultimate Truth" about love, then what is the love that I believe in? Relentless is my pursuit to be found, to be seen, to be cherished as I am, regardless of what I've done, what I do, what I think. I want a sanctuary cradled by honesty and realness and faith for I have been a real person till now. In conclusion, If misery loves company, I will not be in the company of the miserable.

Which Jimmy Fallon Are You?

2004-12-14T10:17:00.000+08:00

I'm "I Wish It Was Christmas Today" Jimmy!

Take the Jimmy Fallon recurring SNL character quiz here.

created by stomps.

What's Your Sign?

2004-11-15T23:07:00.000+08:00

Being a semi-expert amateur Astrologer (and everything esoteric for that matter), I have been astounding and annoying people about this and that of their sun signs (i.e. Zodiac signs). So to stop myself from bugging others about my opinions, I have compiled a list of what I personally like and dislike about each sign. Note: Although the sun is a major factor on one's personality, there are other things to look upon: There's the rising sign and all nine other planets, but that would be a topic for another blog. For now, I would like to make my reader's life much simpler and concentrate on the sun. Besides, this is all about my opinion and not about facts. So enjoy.

Aries
Likes: They are very exciting people to have around. They are always on the go. You can count on them to start something new-- they are willing to do something that is not tried and tested. Also most of them are athletically-inclined, always leaning towards an adrenalin-filled life. This is life in the fast lane.
Dislikes: Being the baby of the zodiac, they seem not to get that their problems are their own doing-- it is always somebody else's fault. Everything is a race for them, they have this inkling to be the first at everything, the first to try a fashion trend, the first to know a certain gossip, the first to break up with a lover, etc.. Also, their quick temper and their tendency to do and say things without thinking, causes a lot of trouble for them and others around.

Taurus
Likes: Ever dependable and trustworthy, Tauruses makes really loyal friends. Their opinions are not easily swayed by any given circumstance. Their inkling towards security and comfort make them excellent hosts and cooks. Given enough reason, Tauruses are hardworking and steadfast. You can count on them to stay in a company for many many years.
Dislikes: Their conservative values tend to make them incline towards tradition. Only a few Taurus would dare try something new. Given a new issue, one would have to wait forever for a Taurus to make a decision, and once a decision is made, there can never be a compromise. Tauruses are one of the most opinionated people in the Zodiac, attempts at changing what they think are futile, so just save your precious energy for someone else.

Gemini (My wonderful sign!)
Likes: Quick of wit, excellent communicators and full of charm, Geminis are fun to be with. There is nothing under the sun they can't talk about. Their interest vary and can almost get along with everyone. Fun-loving and lighthearted, Geminis have no excess baggage and are easy to be with.
Dislikes: Non-committal, Geminis tend to evade problems than solve them. They can't temper their need to make things up. They would embelish stories to make them seem more interesting. Also, their need for variety get them into a lot of romantic liaisons and their dread for committment make them tend to flee than hang around. Not someone, to plan a family with.

Cancer
Likes: This is a sign that rules the home, so one can expect a Cancer to be a warm, caring person. Cancer women tend to be quite motherly. Cancer men have a fixation with their own mothers. I only have quite a few encounters with Cancers. In those encounters, I find them to be quite funny and eccentric. They can be quite fun to be with if in the right mood.
Dislikes: These people are moody and can get to be quite clingy and demanding in relationships. Both men and women can get a little too sensitive and very emotional.

Leo
Likes: The sun is the center of the solar system, and so Leos are always at the center of their cliques just like the planet that rule them. Always the creative, artsy type, they are natural born leaders who lead by example. They tend to be loyal friends and lovers who lavish their loved ones with a lot of TLC, well, as long as they get love in return...
Dislikes: Always thirsty for praise and attention, a lot of Leos would go out of their way to get it. Leos are mostly egocentrics who take themselves too seriously, they don't take insults lightly. The Leo ego is sensitive and can easily snap. Their bold and extravagant tastes can also drill holes into your pocket.

Virgo
Likes: All Virgos strive perfection. They tend to excell at every task that gets their attention. Their eye for detail is impeccable. Always, the people-pleaser, Virgos make excellent lovers who always try to perfect the craft.
Dislikes: Hairsplitting! All these attention to useless minute details can crack the nerve! Virgos tend to complain endlessly about everything and everyone! Nag! Nag! Nag! That's a Virgo for you!

Libra
Likes: Always balanced, always just right. They thrive in dwellings that are harmonious. You can count on them to be excellent mediators between any warring parties.
Dislikes: Libras can't seem to make their minds up. Unlike, the Taurus who take too long to decide, Libras can not make a decision at all.

Scorpio
Likes: Mysterious. Intense. Serious. Extreme. Nothing is ever kept a secret to Scorpio. Nothing.
Dislikes: Although they are good at finding secrets out, they are expert at keeping them. There is not a way to find out what they think. Until they let you know. Believe me, it is better that you do not know.

Sagitarrius
Likes: They have a very profound understanding of the universe. They are excellent at seeing things in the big picture. They are idealists who strive for what is good for humanity and nature. Despite all these, they have the uncanny ability to look at the brighter side of life. They are generally happy people.
Dislikes: Talk about tactless. Sagitarriuses can't seem to keep their opinions to themselves. Being quite insensitive to other people's feelings, they have a knack at pissing everybody off. But who cares what everybody think? Not Sagittarius!

Capricorn
Likes: No one gives sound advise like Capricorn. These are people who make a lot of common sense. They are best in worldly matters such as careers, business strategies, etc. etc etc...
Dislikes: Boring and snooty! No one can be more conventional than Capricorn. They not just wallow in it, they revel in it! You also can't expect them to be good at parties. They don't care about people who can't do anything for their career.

Aquarius
Likes: Genius! These minds are where invention hail from! Imagine a life without the internet, cellular phones and microwave owens! That is the life without Aquarius!
Dislikes: No matter how academically advanced these people are they seem to be clueless about matters of the heart. They tend to keep doing the same mistakes over and over again, and they would wonder to themselves "where the hell did I go wrong?".

Pisces
Likes: The most intuitive member of the zodiac. They are the most sensitive to other peoples needs. So sensitive, it seems that they would put other people's needs first before their own.
Dislikes: A lot of Piscis I know would mask their vulnerability with a tough and catty persona. These people also are the most who are prone to addiction of all sorts, and they have little will power to get over them.

Quotable Quotes

2004-11-03T20:11:00.000+08:00

Last Sunday was the first day in 11 years that I entered the church to hear mass. Let’s suffice to say that I have never felt so happy and in touch with my spirit in years. I am not saying that I have given up on my faith and resorted back on my old life but it is for me an act of humility, a death to the ego that blows up in proportion the more an individual learns about the mysteries of life and spirit. With my existing knowledge and my recovered strength I have learned that each person we encounter in life has some bits of wisdom to share. Here are a few:

“ Buti na lang pala at nakawala ka sa kanya ng maaga-aga!” – Erly
“ Faith is nothing without the faithful.” – Chami
“ Kung gusto mo ng balbon sana niyakap mo na lang ang aso mo!” – Cheryl
“ Wag mo nang isipin ang iniisip ng girlfriend nya. Think about your own pleasure.” – Curtis
“ Our company is making a contribution to the economy. We are providing a lot of people with jobs.” – Richard
“ We just have to count our blessings. For example, you should be happy that you are independent and have your own job.” – Marie
“ Whatever you believe in, you can’t deny that there is another world other than this one.” – Ica
“ I want to see the day when every man in this country drives his own car.” – Dit
“ Art is for everyone not only to those with a degree in Fine Arts.” – Jonski
“ ‘Ok na sa akin ang genes nya.’ “ – Pam Kulot as Quoted by Cheryl
“ What is it like to be single in our age?” – Merille
“ It is not in the length, it’s in the width.” – Janice
“ It’s not in the length or the girth, it’s in the performance.” – Jomar
“ It is in the meeting of the minds.” – Jenny
“ I am not dating someone. We are hanging out.” – Rhio
“ Don’t play the game in his world. Kung baga, pag may kaaway kang politico, wag kang makikipag-away ng barilan, talo ka dun! Pumunta ka ng Siquijor at ipakulam mo sila!” – parish priest from Our Lady of Hope
“ Kaya daw bawal mag pants ang babae sa misa kasi lalaki daw ang Diyos” -- Nanay
“ Between the man who is doing something but the wrong thing and the man who is right but doing nothing, go with the man who is doing something.” – Tatay
“ Sometimes I feel that in every pore of my skin, in every cell of my body. God is there. I am like a sponge and everything about me, is my soul. God is all around me, within me, in every part of my body. God is everywhere.” -- Tala

Top Ten

2004-10-13T17:26:00.000+08:00

Pet Peeves
In no particular order
- people who complain a lot
- gossip mongerers
- traffic
- pollution
- the color beige
- zits
- gaining weight
- being jealous
- bodyaches
- being misunderstood

Top Ten Favorites
- surprises
- a really stimulating conversation
- fun and laughter
- new discoveries
- travelling
- shrimp
- wasabi
- cheesy 80's dance music
- fair weather
- warm hugs

An Autobiography in Song

2004-09-29T01:39:00.000+08:00

1) My Birthday -- The Birthday Song Beatles

You say it's your birthday

It's my birthday too--yeah

They say it's your birthday

We're gonna have a good time

I'm glad it's your birthday

Happy birthday to you.

2) Pre-School -- One of These Things (Is Not Like The Others) Sesame Street

One of these things is not like the others,

One of these things just doesn't belong,

Can you tell which thing is not like the others

By the time I finish my song?

3) Gradeschool (Phase I) -- Love is a Battlefield Pat Benatar

We are young,

heartache to heartache we stand

No promises, no demands

Love is a battlefield

We are strong, no one can tell us we’re wrong

Searchin’ our hearts for so long,

both of us knowing

Love is a battlefield

4) Moving Out to a New Home -- Hello Goodbye Beatles

You say yes, I say no

You say stop and I say go, go, go

Oh, no You say goodbye and I say hello

Hello, hello I don't know why you say goodbye

I say hello Hello, hello I don't know

you say goodbye I say hello

5) Gradeschool (Phase II) -- Just One Little Candle (Graduation Song)

It is better to light just one little candle

Than to stumble in the dark...

6) High School -- Love Thy Will Be Done Martika

Love... Thy will be mine

And make me strive for the glorious and divine

I could not be more, more satisfied (Satisfied)

Even when there's no peace outside my window, there's peace inside

And that is why I no longer run (I can no longer run)

Thy will Love be done

7) Highschool to College Transit -- Silent All These Years Tori Amos

But what if I'm a mermaid

in these jeans of his

with her name still on it

Hey but I don't care

cause sometimesI said sometimes

I hear my voice

And it's been here

Silent All These Years

8) Boy Crazy Years ( In Code )

I. Fallen Angel -- Sunday The Cranberries

You’re spinning me around

My feet are off the ground

I don’t know where I stand

Do you have to hold my hand

You mystify me

II. Pained Existence -- Daughter Pearl Jam

Alone...listless...

breakfast table in an otherwise empty room

Young girl...violins...

center of her own attention

The, mother reads aloud,

child, tries to understand it

Tries to make her proud
The shades go down, it's in her head

Painted room...can't deny there's something wrong...

III. The Endless -- I Alone Live

it's easier not to be wise

and measure these things by your brains

I sank into Eden with you

alone in the church by and by

I'll read to you here, save your eyes

you'll need them, your boat is at sea

your anchor is up, you've been swept away

and the greatest of teachers won't hesitate

to leave you there, by yourself, chained to fate

IV. Sustaining Agony -- The World Has Turned and Left Me Here Weezer

The world has turned and left me here

Just where I was before you appeared

And in your place an empty space

Has filled the void behind my face.

V. Intermission -- The Mummer's Dance Loreeta McKennitt

Who will go down to those shady groves

And summon the shadows there

And tie a ribbon on those sheltering arms

In the springtime of the year

VI. Maddening Poison -- Chop Suey System of a Down

Father, Father, Father, Father,Father

Into your hands

I commend my spirit,

Father, into your hands,
Why have you forsaken me,

In your eyes forsaken me,

In your thoughts forsaken me,

In your heart forsaken, me oh,
Trust in my self righteous suicide,

I, cry, when angels deserve to die,

In my self righteous suicide,

I, cry, when angels deserve to die.

VI. The Lost Boy -- I Miss You Blink 182

Hello there,

the angel from my nightmare,

the shadow in the background of the morgue,

the unsuspecting victim

of darkness in the valley

we can live like Jack and Sally

if we want where you can always find me

and we'll have Halloween on Christmas

and in the night we'll wish this never ends

we'll wish this never ends

VII. Deluded Don Quixote -- Angel of the Morning Donna Fargo

There'll be no strings to bind your hands

Not if my love can find your heart

And there's no need to take a stand

For it was I who chose to start

I see no need to take me home

I'm old enough to face the dawn
Just call me angel of the morning,

angel Just touch my cheek before you leave me, baby

Just call me angel of the morning, angel

Then slowly turn away from me

9.) The Path to True Love -- Forever's Not Enough Sarah Geronimo

If I would have to live my life again

I'd stay in love with you the way I've been

Your love is something no one ever can replace

I can't imagine life with someone else

I promise, I will share my life with you

Forever may not be enough it's true

My heart is filled with so much love I feel for you

No words can say how much I love you so
And if forever's not enough for me to love you

I'd spent another lifetime baby,

If you ask me to There's nothing I won't do

Forever's not enough to love you so
They say tomorrow seems so far away,

And now we see that everything can change

My love for you gets stronger as tomorrow comes

I know this love will stand In the test of time

For you, there's nothing I can't do

And never will I ever go

Forever's not enough to love you so

But if forever is one day

I promise you I'll stay

to show you That my love for you will never end...

Butterflies from Siberia

2004-09-28T15:49:00.000+08:00

Incepted within the womb

Chrysalis entangles words within my tongue.

Glib yet Aphasic when surrounded by you.

I will birth a thousand butterflies soon enough.

For that is all I get from you for now.

What Kind Of Anime/Manga Are You?

2004-09-09T11:19:00.000+08:00

You are a ray of sunshine; a glorious combination of hilarious humour and heartfelt tenderness. Although your lighthearted comments may be misunderstood, you are still a favourite amongst your friends. What Kind Of Anime/Manga Are You?

Like Phoenix from My Ashes

2004-09-08T17:56:00.000+08:00

I lay here waiting for my rebirth. A spiritual crisis arises, peaks {and screams of unthinkable agony, unspeakable pain, and undescribable ecstacy} and dies down into an ashen ember. I am the ashes, first hot, then warm and now turning cold. I was fire long ago--unrestrained, unyielding,overwhelming; and now I am this. A thing so helpless , that slight breath from a child brings me fear. So I lay here, on the cold damp floor. And I await my rebirth.
I was an artist. Colors and shapes are songs from my heart. And yet... My hands are nothing without corporate command. I sold my soul without thinking. And now I can't remember what a soul is. I have a blank sheet of paper in front of me and there is nothing within me that wants to let out. I scavenge for lost art and look with much awe and envy the breath that gave life to these forms. The hands that formed them and brought them to life.
But I couldn't say, I wouldn't dare say I am dead within this thriving flesh. There is someone within me, so deep inside me, hiding, sleeping, that I could bring out. All I need is a way to awaken her. I am her wake up call.

Awakening

2004-08-18T16:33:00.000+08:00

Aurora sleeps for a hundred and thirty years.

She hungers but does not eat.

She thirsts but not drink.

A brush with your lips awakens this perpetual slumber.

Yours is the touch to quench my thirst.

Flu: Chronicles of a Near Death Experience

2004-08-16T15:39:00.000+08:00

I have been gone from work for around 5 days. While I was gone, rumours abound that I collapsed due to dieting! Sticks and Stones! If truth be told it is that dreaded virus creeping around the workplace. There is also a virus within the network of computers but that hardly has anything to do with my sick leave. I caught something in the air and it eventually trapped me.
MONDAY: I wasn't feeling well. I had a slight fever. I called in sick and stayed home. I amused myself with a simple craft project. I have no television.
TUESDAY: I went back to work. I have a slight sniffle but was convinced everything would be alright. Passed by the drugstore before going to work. Hours after lunch my back was getting heavy and my head heavy. I had to go home quick. I took a cab.
WEDNESDAY: I stayed in bed the duration of the day. I had soup for lunch. I took my medicine. But I was getting worse as time progressed. I fell asleep into the nightfall. By dark, I had a temperature that could roast chicken crisp. I couldn't see in the dark and kept breaking things around the house. I had no strength to go to the kitchen to fix myself something to eat. I couldn't walk to the kitchen to get myself something to eat. I was prepared to die there alone. Good thing my mom came and took me to their house. She was afraid I caught dengue or something. I was desperate for assistance.
THURSDAY: I am feeling much better but still had a nasty cough and cold. I stayed in the guest room most of the time, sleeping most of the day with television in between.
FRIDAY: Better than the day before but still with colds and cough. My dad did not allow me to go back to work. Tells me I might have a relapse. My mom said he's just being lazy.
THE NEXT DAY was spent cleaning out my apartment. I still went back to my parents house for the evening. I wish the person sleeping in the guest room wont catch anything from me. But then, she might write a better blog than me.

Fate in the Hands of Monkeys

2004-08-03T17:17:00.000+08:00

I am in the process of letting go of really weird attachments. One of them is relying on Oracles for enlightenment or divination, if you will. I am in the process of trusting my own intuition to know the truth of things. Among all the means of divination, Palmistry is the one I rely on the least. My reasoning is that everyday the tissues of our bodies die and change, so would the lines on our palms. Unfortunately, some lines never change. A normal human being have three main lines: the life line (basic health), the heart line (what one desires), the head line (one's thoughts and thought process). I have these three usual lines but only on my left hand. My right hand is host to the life line and a freakishly straight simian line. A simian line is the merging of the heart and head lines. A lot of Palm Readers are afraid of Simian lines. There is a revolving myth surrounding people who have these. 1.) They say that people who have Simian lines have congenital mental illness; or have Down's Syndrome. 2.) It is said that people who have Simian lines are more prone to heart disease. 3.) Most interestingly, they say that people with Simian Lines have difficulty distinguishing thoughts from emotions. They say that people with a simian line never really find peace. They spend their entire lives searching for an answer they never really find. These people are known to have intense focus and extreme temperament. That they live differently from other people, not better nor worse, just differently. It is important to note that a number of well known people who have simian lines have made positive contributions to society. hey include British Prime Minister Tony Blair, former Russian President Nikita Kruchev, writers John Steinbeck and Henry Miller. There are also people with the marking who have carried out brutal crimes of passion. Also, most religious fanatics are known to have simian lines.That explains why, regardless of having a lot of mutable signs on my birth chart (Astrology). I seem to exhibit really shockingly bizaare and extreme traits. Hehe! Forget dettachment, one can always find an excuse for anything. If one day, you find me in the evening news or a news flash (The one with the shot gun, dummy!), just tell them it is because of my simian line.

Cosmic Consciousness

2004-07-28T11:03:00.000+08:00

It has come to my attention that people are actually reading this thing. There are now around five people who visit my blogs: my mom, my dad, my brother, me and... me (Being a Gemini, I excuse myself for having a dual personality,) That is why I promise to be a really really good girl from now on. In fact, I'm thinking about painting this whole page pink!
Consequently, I think it is just proper for me to reintroduce myself in case there are people who got lost and ended up in this blog site (My family has but no clue about me. They didn't even know that I existed till now. Hahaha!)
1.) They call me Jade. At least the people who spent some time with my drunken self. The history of Jade goes back to the year 2000 in Leinil Francis Yu's Apartment (namedropping is the resort of the obscure and the unpopular. Jade objects. She insists on being an ingenue.) I vaguely remember anything though, but the bottle of Jose Cuervo before me. People were turning the whole pad into a KTV. "Ynez" who was a growler for a now defunct Hardcore girl band was crooning Carpenter ballads. I had a mistaken notion that alcohol makes the world sound better. I downed the whole bottle. I was not mistaken. What happened next, only spectators can tell. They hand the events with such freaky fondness that makes me ask, a la Derek Zoolander: "Who Am I?" I have no means of denying anything though, everything was caught on video.
2.) I am a recovering Capitalist's slave. I realize I should get a life! A lot of soul searching is involved here. I used to be into the "hidden" and "mystical" arts of Divination. (aka Tarot Reading, Numerology, Astrology) I still think they hold merit except that I do not see anything arcane about them. Without the shroud of mystery, everything tastes as bland as paper. ( I used to eat paper! Haha!) What I'm trying to drive at is a balance. I'm druidic after all and am the perfect Neutral. ( I play a lot of RPG.) What I want is to arrive at a moment where my private life, my career and life purpose and social life will prove me satisfactory. What is my life's purpose? I am desperate for a deep thorough scanning.
3.) The power of three. I have to wrap this up with a third entry. Three balances everything. As I have said, I am druidic and the perfect Neutral. I could say, at the moment I am simply being, without much thought, just experiencing the moment as it goes by. I told a friend this statement. He said it was profound. I find this surprising coming from a person who asks "Is that what you do in the prime of your life?". (Excuse me, I haven't primed! I am an ingenue. A druidic, perfectly Neutral Ingenue who should stop playing anymore RPG. I have stopped playing RPG. I have stopped playing PC and console games altogether. Though I have no closure from the Silent Hill Three game I have still to finish. The monster who owns the Playstation I borrowed took it away from me without considering the consequence of disclosure.)
That is enough introduction for now. There are no words to contain the totality of my being. I am totally stromped and braindead at the moment. I will get back to you when I find my brain!

Under the Pungent Pink

2004-07-19T09:01:00.000+08:00

I am a recovering self-indulgent. I have stopped thinking about my angst for ten days. In fact, I will be changing the look of this page from black to pink. I will be careful, though, from becoming a sunshiny Pollyanna, unless I want my freaky dark self to take notice and enchain me again in brooding self-absorption. I have my reasons to be free of that madness. It would take another person's suffering to enlighten one. I am sorry it has to come to this, regardless, I have every reason for gratitude. I have led a very secure and sheltered life-- financially, at least. I have been sent to really good schools and got away with not studying at all. I will not apologize for this. It was a path that had to be taken, and I had to take this path. I should not apologize because the contrast it paints against those who had to struggle for a decent education makes an alarming sight. I would not realize the error of my ways if I had not been foolish at all. Yet, forever doesn't end today. There is still hope for me.

My Lady Macbeth Moment

2004-07-08T17:20:00.000+08:00

Out, damned spot! out, I say!--One: two: why,
then, 'tis time to do't.--Hell is murky!--Fie, my
lord, fie! a soldier, and afeard? What need we
fear who knows it, when none can call our power to
account?--Yet who would have thought the old man
to have had so much blood in him.

All of a sudden I find myself feeling so icky! I feel like going for a bath! A hypocritical moment I know. I am not one to cast the first stone but whoever thought of broadcasting all their sexual mischief without indiscretion should be barred for life! I mean, EEEEEWWWW! What are you trying to communicate here, that you are a big stud?! that you are an insufferable slut?! or that you have a communicable disease?! (and that we should stay away from you?!) EEEEEEEEWWWWW!!!

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Have you ever received weird vibes from someone it makes you want to soak in a sudsful of water? I just got one from this kid lately and everyone seems to notice and starts to tease me. This is no laughing matter folks! A lot of stalkers and serial killers start this way-- by giving off weird nasty vibe. And I don't want anymore lecture on how maarte and feeling I am!

A Little Update

2004-07-08T14:11:00.000+08:00

I haven't written in a while. I must admit the move, my incoming gradeschool reunion and my job has taken over my brain. Other than these, I couldn't find anything to think about. I couldn't even wish for a love life. Lust has distanced from me and I couldn't remember the feeling... Mwahahaha! And I couldn't care less!
I lust for life and nothing from the Cup can quench my thirst!
My nights are filled with silence what with having no cable tv and a dysfunctional computer speaker. I am compelled to sleep early, amuse myself with little bits of fantasy, worse yet, to do digital art. (after doing just that the rest of the day!)
The good news is I seem to be losing weight! Pining for the Goddess-level, watch out world, you aint seen nothing yet! Hehehe!

Moving Out

2004-06-21T11:41:00.000+08:00

I will be moving out of my home again and it has only been around six months since my last move. This time, boyfriendless, I would venture out into the untamed world ALONE! Never fear, family and friends are always around, and though I will forever be touched by their acts of kindness, I always wonder if they ever get tired of my melodrama.
This leads me to another point: my freaking addiction to drama! I talked to a friend very recently and he promised to help me make my life peachy again. Peachy?! I am dark, angsty and in so much pain, hell would give up on me!!! Come to think of it, I must really like my pain. I mean, of course, I truly hate it but it is my hatred that makes me a dark and foreboding creature and I revel in my darkness. Some people I know, just wish this phase of mine away. I do not know when it will end. I sincerely hope that it will go away soon but till then I'd have to contend with being a character in my own fiction.

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Reunions are really strange. Some people change a lot. Some people do not change at all. I recently met up with my grade school classmates (yes! Gradeschool!!!) And we amused ourselves with our silly little tales. Those were the days. I remember being awfully silent. Looking back, I don't remember why. I went to the chapel every after class and had really weird conversations with God. I don't do them anymore mainly because my concept of God drastically changed. I was a weird child. I honestly believed I was psychic. I have memories of ghostly experience, although now, I do not know if they were mere fragments of my imagination. I strongly believed that the crucifix in our chapel moved and changed positions. I have a strong image of it in my head.
I am still weird though, but now, I am open about it. I could only care less about ridicule. I wish I had learned to cope like this when I was young but then I wouldn't be here like this now. And I still believe I am Psychic.

Rise and Fall from the Tower

2004-06-16T11:15:00.000+08:00

My name translated to English means "Star" but being a semi-expert amateur Tarot Reader for the past nine years I have come to an intimate relationship with my cards and their symbols. Tarot Trump Seventeen, the Star, is truly an inspiring card. It's a symbol of hopes, dreams, reaching your ambitions. Reflecting on this symbol, one can feel nothing but peace, tranquility and happiness-- the soft and gentle kind. Knowing myself, and having researched on all my personality traits (astrology, numerology and all) this definitely is not my card. I am the Tower-- swift sudden change, a violent upheaval, tearing down of existing structures. According to my Astrology, I am best at demolition, destruction and dealing with death. I have always been dramatic, erratic, extreme. Too extreme, it seems, for one who have so many mutable signs in her chart. Mutable is always in the middle. Gently rocking back and forth but never really in one definite space for any given time. Sometimes, I do find myself stuck in the fog of this limbo, seemingly lost in thought, looking for myself in the dark; but the course of my actions have always been noticeable. People have always thought I was crazy and have always steered clear of my path lest they lose their heads from the blade of my merciless scimitar. Years of Catholic Schooling has failed to instill in me guilt and regret for my past demeanor. Or is it that a few years of University education tore down the walls of my Christian confinement? Another great deed from our feared friend, the Tower!

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Contrary to public opinion, I am not a woman of fiery elements. I have always been water since childhood to the present. As a child and adolescent I was rather silent and withdrawn only to erupt into a rather loud adult. I was living in a quiet serene lake with a monster underneath. Slowly lurking, growing in multitude, the Tower, my hero, whacked it to it's death. I am now a hail storm, turbulent, thunderous and fierce. I do not giggle in silly odditties like the rest of the simple womendom. Instead, I laugh my innards out for life's complex ironies. What is anger without compassion anyway? Always a lovely gift from the Tower.

This Weird Gigantic Engine called Life

2004-06-11T17:59:00.000+08:00

Boredom can do different things to different people. Some people plunge head on to a certain death. Some go crazy and make others around them jump to death. Others like me indulge in thought-- really way off-hand philosophies that aren't nearly anything to think about. Today as I stare into dead empty space, I find myself wondering where does all this money come from? Obviously, you work, you get paid. Your company pays you for services rendered and somebody else pays your company for services you rendered for them. Let's just say, I work for a non-traditional Advertising company. They pay me for my services, our clients, mostly consumer goods companies, pay us for services renderred for them. They in turn, get their revenue from people who buy their products, and people who buy their products get their income from their employers who are also payed for the services they render for somebody else... It's a well-oiled machine with each of us a small and yet integral part of the system. Each turn we make, turns somebody else around, who also turns somebody else around; and everybody is turned around including you.
Indeed, the world's vast advancement from the time man hunted and gathered. Yet, it is still about one thing: survival. You, as an organism, as an animal, the most basic of your needs is to keep your own existence, and then, by some strange enchantment, a need to multiply yourself. The most fundamental element of all that exists-- may it be a virus, an amoeba, grass, a tree, an ant, a snail, a dog, a human, survival. Remove all the robes and wrappings of tradition and ritual, and all we have is this: We all want to Survive!
Upsetting, it seems, that we should live our lives as cogs to One Great Contraption. There is no escaping this thing but death. I am not completely disheartened. At least, I am a self-aware and enlightened cog: I turn and get turned with my own consent.

Toxic to Vampires

2004-06-10T10:26:00.000+08:00

I have to stay off caffeine. I have so much caffeine in my blood that it would seem that I dived into a pool full of coffee. I don't even drink coffee-- I have been drinking two mugs of green tea and at least one can of diet soda a day for the past few weeks. Yesterday, I tried to stay away and experienced the worst symptom of toxic withdrawal ever in my life. I layed down on my bed when I got home, and it seems that I died there. But I didn't.
Don't you wish that you can die for a while and return to life anytime you choose? That when you awake, you'll be excused from all the responsibilities you weren't able to fulfill?
A friend told me, that's a good deal but should always have something to exchange: you can go back to life but you should remain the same way as you have died. For example, if you got executed in the guillotine and went back to life, you will walk the Earth without your head on your shoulders. You can carry it around if you please. What way do you want to die?

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I am easily influenced by planetary transits. People would think that I buy too much into this Astrology thing and should take charge of my life. But, I couldn't explain how it can tell past events. Last Tuesday, Venus transits the Sun. Venus reperesents Love and all things Mushy, the Sun-- consciousness. After that day, I had a rush and fell in love with love itself. I want to be completely swept off my feet and forget about my existence. I am Psyche and Eros is the invisible lover who cradles me to sleep. His are the arms that keep me warm, his sweet voice wakes me up in mornings. I don't think any guy can top this. I am truly beyond repair.

Montages

2004-06-07T13:09:00.000+08:00

We can't help but put things inside boxes. And boxes always have labels. It's simply more organized that way. Unfortunately, we do so with other people and ourselves as well. Whenever you put a label on yourself. Let's say, you say you are cool or pretty or smart, there will always be someone cooler, prettier, smarter than you. The whole ordeal I find so tedious. Why can't I simply be without being compared with somebody else?

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Another weird observation is extremely pretty girls tend to be the most insecure. They tend to be territorial whenever faced with another unknown pretty girl. As if all they have going are their good looks and another good-looker is an enemy who must be annihilated. Hello? Have you taken a really good look at your boyfriends lately? Is he really worth all the violence? If opinion must be given, what we should do is unite. We are all goddesses in our own right. We should celebrate our gifts and not compete.

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What people find odd about me is my aversion towards marriage. I personally find it disgusting from the idea and concept of it to the little thingies they give away after the ceremony. I do not like the idea of having handed over from my father to my soon to be husband. It makes me feel like an object and not a person. (Do your parents own you? Topic for another blog.) I do not like the idea of having to change your surname? What's in a surname anyway. It's bad enough that it comes from my father. My officemate told me that I should make my own planet. I still stand on my belief that marriage is an issue of economics and not love. Two people can remain in love without marriage. And not every couple holding on to a marriage are in love. Curse the man who thought I wanted to marry him! As if! Steer clear of the ones who would marry for marriage's sake. If ever, the day comes (I say IF) I'd want someone who has thought things clearly and decided that I, quirks and all, am the most perfect partner in life. There's nothing worse than waking up one day to find out you are stuck with someone you detest. Personally, I think that guy must be in another planet. I do not think there is somebody here who is my equal. (You know, someone who can actually respect my "abnormal" points of view.) Anybody reading this who thinks otherwise is up for a challenge. If you can find that guy in this planet, I will personally deliver you my wedding invitation.

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It's not a little known fact that my life is messed up at the moment. But it's a gray area sort of mess! I'm not pregnant, I haven't killed anyone and I am not yet dead. I am not altogether allergic with the thought of having a new boyfriend. I'm just afraid that if I find him now I might scare him away and he'd evade me forever. Normally, I am a fun person to be with. Right now, I have this compulsion to stick knives into the eyes of people who piss me off. And I'm easily pissed off. I don't really enjoy being an angst-ridden cynic. But at least, at the moment I have a reason to be.

The Cool, the Beautiful and the Ordinary

2004-06-03T14:20:00.000+08:00

I'm an information addict. I can sit in front of the computer and surf away to the end of my days. I indulge in seemingly useless data. Trivia is my nourishment and a world without it would be unliveable. I'm in danger of living a life as a vegetable looking into an illusory world where nothing vital, nothing extraordinary or intrinsic happens.
My everydays are filled with "ordinariness". All my friends may attest to the specialness of my being, the weirdness of my current situation, but my mornings and afternoons are full of pragmatic pursuits and it's killing me. Day to day, I am a candle burning down into nothingness and as I look around, there is nothing to hold on to, nothing to prevent my inevitable death.
Physical death do not worry me. I am more afraid that my soul might go first, leaving me into a total zombie. Most of all, I'm afraid that despite all my friends, I am solitary and pairless. I could always be in a relationship but always with no depth of meaning, no growth of mind and spirit, no real beauty only pretty dreams.
Recently, I have seen friendster profiles of really cool girls. They are not much to look at but surely there is always something. Their words are always amazing-- smart, witty, a bit angst ridden. They are surrounded by people who revere them, whose lives are changed because of their encounter.
I will never be cool. For one, I am too pretty for cool. Humbly, I must admit I am not goddess level. (but I am a goddess in my own right. BOW DOWN BEFORE ME YOU MORTALS! hehehe! Feeling!) I am not one of those half-baked tisays gracing all the billboards of Edsa. I was never the Maria Clara whom all the ideal "wholesome" fantasies are based. I am just plainly pretty--not too much not too little. But I observe, Coolness has a beauty limit and sadly I have surpassed the mark. This is the way the universe balances itself, cool girls can't be pretty, pretty girls can't be cool. If somebody had it both, it would be unfair for the rest of the world unless she never gets a boyfriend for being too intimidating. The only options for girls who exceed the mark would be: 1.) for those higher up in the beauty quotient-- be stupid. 2.) be smart but be a detestable slut. 3.)be smart and virtuous but be totally weird that the whole world evades you (my horrible fate). 4.) be smart and virtuous but be a vicious work-addicted bitch. 5.)have a totally mediocre existence that if not for your face you would totally blend in the background.
Define cool? First of all to be cool, you should not be too pretty. Slightly pretty is ok but there is an obvious boundary. You should have your own fashion sense without upsetting societal trends at large. You should have an above average IQ and a good command of language. You should be able to intimidate security guards with your impeccable English and should not hesitate to curse if necessary. You should exude enough self-confidence but not so much so that it becomes annoying. You should be creative but not too much that your ideals and beliefs would be unacceptable by society. You should not belong in any organized and constricting cliques but should know enough people in high places. You should have a couple of friends who are considered "cool". You should be unique without upsetting the status quo all in all. How could you be cool if not for the people who think you are? Extremeness makes a person a freak. Extreme beauty is a freaking handicap.
Coolness will always be a pipe dream to me. While the rest of the cool world are in Cafes sipping their lattes, I'm an insufferable nerd sucking in internet information, living in a rose colored world, and falling in love with my own reflection.

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Consequently, I remember, there was a guy a few years back who told me that he liked two girls. One of them was me, the other one he wont tell. He just said she's not so pretty but she exuded so much cool that could make hell freeze over. She has such a fashion flair and that she's way smart, she could be psychic. I asked him if he thought I was cool. He said that I was not cool, I was HOT! He could easily imagine me in leather and animal prints. Mental note to self: "Do I look like a pin-up from a bomba magazine to you?" and "Ok?...So does that mean, I look stupid?!"
Last year, I gained a lot of weight and as my beauty quotient goes down my coolness quotient went up. This year, I have been losing weight and as I keep looking better my coolness factor keeps going down. Oh well, these people have no freaking choice but to exude cool. You can't see a person's brain from across a room, you know.

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A few days ago somebody commented that I had the face of a porn star. What do porn stars faces look like and does anyone actually look at their faces?

Saturn Returns

2004-05-31T08:21:00.000+08:00

Unfortunate events happen everyday. It especially sucks when these things happen to you. What sucks the most is when there really is no one to blame but yourself and your own negligence. Just yesterday I lost My Wallet that contains My Atm card and 2500 pesos worth of cash in a fast food chain. The other day, the Atm spewd out only 500 when I pressed 1000. Obviously the other half will be lost to me forever. This is all hard for me to take. Fear not, I have found something else to blame: ASTROLOGY! Yes, you heard it right, ASTROLOGY!
After seeing an obvious pattern, I immediately took action and looked at my Solar Return Chart-- this is your astrological placement from your most recent birthday. ( I had my birthday a few days back.) Lo and behold! What do I find? The planet Saturn is just where it was the day I was born. It is what they call the Saturn Return. They say this placement happens after 28 years and the planet stays there for about 2 years. What does this mean? To find out, I must look into my own Natal Chart -- the one I had when I was born. Tough luck! Saturn is glooming over my eigth house-- home of life, death, the carnal (aka. sex), inheritance and other people's money. It also means it is in direct opposition of my second house, which means my own money, possesions, self-worth. In English, this means that I'll be having trouble with my own money and I'd have a hard time asking other people for it. It also means, I should hold marriage for another two years.
So, what's a girl to do? It has only been a few days after my birthday and bad luck has already taken over my finances. Common sense! Take extra caution when handling the Benjamins. Hold business plans for awhile. Do not carry large amounts of cash-- Get a credit card or a cash card. Wear plastic jewelry--they are in vogue anyway. Marriage? I do not have to worry about this since I do not have a significant other at the moment. Good thing!
Saturn, if he was a person, is a grim and stoic school master. He gives his lessons and whacks you in the head if you're stubborn. In the end, if you accept his teachings, you become a much wiser, mature person. Besides, happy Jupiter is smiling over my tenth house this year, my career and life purpose! Ha! At least there is something to look forward to, right?

Somebody Killed My Cat and Other Reasons Why I'd Rather Sleep All Throughout My Birthday

2004-05-19T15:44:00.000+08:00

Life has no meaning. You get born, you live (a half life), then you die! So, what's the point of trying?

Then, to make things worse, there are days they call your birthday. You don't actually get born again that day, it's just an anniversary of the day you were born. It only comes once a year and it is meant to mock and torment you , and remind you how old and useless you are becoming.

You must be wondering to yourself how this pathetic-excuse-for-a-soul have come to be so bitter. I will gladly explain it: Life has no meaning. You get born, you live, then you die! Is that enough? A longer explanation? Look at your life backwards from this point till your last birthday. Any wonderful changes? My life was quite interesting but not my own: I have been sleeping and have gone adrift on a floating log into the open sea. And as I have awaken, the log is gone and I have to learn to swim back to shore. Metaphors. metaphors. metaphors. I know that most of you understand, if not, don't bother...

I feel like sleeping in the rising of the tide. I want to drown in the ocean. Die for awhile. Find myself miraculously ashore. I bet the fish are all beautiful. The current is strong, I'm so tired of swimming. I'm not going to look for a log either. There are no trees in the middle of the ocean unless there are trees in heaven, and one of them falls down; if there is even a heaven, if there is even a god.

I will sleep althrough out my birthday so that it won't remind me how fucked up my life is this year. And maybe, just maybe, I won't wake up at all.

Wandering Off into the Mind of Jade

2004-05-19T13:42:00.000+08:00

Honestly, I don't get the point of publishing your thoughts on the web. As if anybody cares! I just felt the need to do this so I would spare a couple of people the burden of hearing all about my pain, and passing it on you instead! Hehehehe! Fair?
Anyway, please watch out for future entries! I promise that they will be much more interesting than this one. I'd try to make a better look for this blog page as well. *calling all web freaks!* Till then, Ciao!

Jade a.k.a Tala